You Totally And Utterly Won’t Believe These Three Weird Ways To Upgrade Your Art Supplies At Home (That THEY Don’t Want You To Know About!)

2017 Artwork April Fools Day Article sketch

Well, I thought that I’d start off April’s roster of articles by taking this blog in a bold new direction!

Ever since I recently followed some handy banner adverts and instantly lost several pounds of belly fat using only half a lemon, saved hundreds on the electricity bill by placing a crude magnetic coil somewhere near the boiler and made myself look five years younger by peeling a sheet of perforated cling-film from my face, I now see that articles like those are the future!

But, this is – of course- an art blog (amongst other things). So, I began my research into some of the shady things that Big Art doesn’t want you to know and I was shocked!

Did you know that greedy art supply companies have been thought by some to deliberately sell downgraded art supplies in a sneaky ploy to get you to buy their “premium” products at vastly inflated prices? Yes, I certainly couldn’t believe it either!

Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but there are several clever ways to turn your ordinary, bog-standard art supplies into something that art supply companies might try to sell to you at up to seventy times the price you paid. So, let’s get started.

1) Magnetise your pencils at home and save hundreds!: The pencil sharpening industry would like you to believe that the levels of precision that you can get from your drawing pencils all depend on how often you use the useless, dangerous rubbish that they peddle to gullible artists. This obviously isn’t true!

Those in the know, know that magnetic forces play a large part in how precisely the molecules of graphite from your pencil adhere to the paper and, more importantly, whether they stay where you put them.

The pencil manufacturers, in cahoots with the sharpener industry, know this and it’s no coincidence that the really fancy pencils have been secretly pre-magnetised in order to set them apart from the more plebian offerings that they sell to you and me. A magnetised pencil doesn’t need sharpening. All the famous artists know it, and they’re laughing at you!

Well, you can have the last laugh! Magnetising a pencil is quick, simple and potentially guaranteed to improve the precision of your drawings. It even works on blunt pencils! All you need is a simple bar magnet, four triangular pieces of paper (equilateral!), some tape and a pencil.

Begin by rubbing the tip of the pencil vigourously against the south pole of the bar magnet. Once you have done this precisely forty-seven times, then gently place the pencil on a non-ferrous surface.

Use the tape to fashion your four triangular pieces of paper into a simple pyramid. Once you’ve done this, place the pyramid over the tip of the pencil and leave overnight. As many ancient mystics will tell you, the shape of the pyramid helps to focus the Earth’s magnetic field onto the tip of your pencil. The pyramid alone can quadruple the potency of the magnetisation process.

The results speak for themselves!:

A basic comparison of the results of using magnetised and non-magnetised pencils.

A basic comparison of the results of using magnetised and non-magnetised pencils.

2) Homeopathic paint for a fraction of the price!: As many will tell you “nothing is better than homeopathy!“.

Well, the paint companies know this and they’re deliberately trying to rip you off by bogging down their paints with far more pigment than is actually needed to achieve the desired effect. Only the ultra-rich get to use the good stuff – the homeopathic stuff!

After all, homeopathy relies on the magnifying effects of placing microscopic quantities of things in specially-treated water. Bogging down the water with large quantities of pigment instantly obliterates any homeopathic benefits that may have come with the paint.

To make your own homeopathic paint and stick two fingers up at Big Paint, just load your brush with paint like you normally would. Then rinse it under the cold tap for no less than five minutes. Place the wet brush on a non-ferrous surface and then heat a four-litre jug of water to precisely thirty-nine degrees centigrade. Once you’ve done this, dip the very tip of your brush into the water for no more than two seconds.

Once you’ve done this, heartily beat the side of the jug with the spine of a stout book no more than thirty times. Then repeat the entire process seven more times. Once you’ve done this, you’ll have a lifetime supply of 100% homeopathic paint.

Your colours will be much more subtle, they will mix seamlessly with literally any other colour and, best of all, you’ll have got one over on the evil paint industry!

3) Smoother paper for literally nothing!: Wait! Before you instantly dissolve those five pounds of belly fat with that one simple trick that you read about online, put them to good use first!

They probably wouldn’t want you to know this, but the kind of paper that paper companies sell to ordinary people like you and me is riddled with millions of micro-creases! Micro-creases that can cause paint to appear blotchy, magnetised pencil lines to appear shaky and nano-dots of ink to spatter around the page. This is all deliberate!

Whilst we may not have the heartless stables of shaved gerbils that paper companies have been rumoured to use in their environmentally-unsound paper smoothing process, we have the next best thing. The softness of our own stomachs. When used properly, those extra pounds can be used to remove up to 95% of the micro-creases found in a sheet of paper.

Lie on your back, take your sheet of paper and gently place it on your stomach. Take care not to bend the paper! Once you’ve done this, then gently place your right palm on the back of the paper and slide it around your stomach in a clockwise direction at least 8.3 times. It’s that simple!

Yes, your paper may show the occasional harmless cosmetic macro-crease after doing this, but this is a small price to pay to get rid of those dangerous micro-creases!

———–

Happy April Fool’s Day Everyone 🙂

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